So, I'm making this huge announcement via social media because I find I tend to better stick to my guns if I do so. Drum roll, please .tadadadadadadadada . . . I'm giving up added sugar and greatly reducing my grains intake. Since nearly dying a little over a year ago (not quite, but it felt like it, and I almost caused myself irreversible heart valve damage), I have had a bit of an awakening. I've been mulling over some things, and I'm just plain tired of the daily struggle of not feeling enough. I'm not thin enough. I hit a size 6, then a size 4, so why not a size 2? See what I mean? I literally had to gain 10 pounds to reverse some of the issues I caused myself, and though I feel amazing for the first time in decades, I don't like the extra 10 pounds and want to lose them the RIGHT way -- not through over medicating myself. That wasn't an awesome idea.
I lost 75 pounds on Weight Watchers just cutting carbs and working out like crazy. Then I decided being a size small, and sometimes extra small, wasn't good enough. I would see someone smaller and break out in a sweat because I wasn't as small as random-stranger-in-the-checkout-line. Being someone who was always small, then ballooning up due to thyroid cancer, caused a girl who battled borderline anorexia to become a complete freak of nature. Imagine starving yourself and your body NOT ALLOWING you to lose a pound? Nice.
I'm sick. In the head. Literally. When I look in the mirror, I have panic attacks concerning what I see. My clothes say size Small or size 6, but I literally see 200 pounds If I can't feel my hip bones jutting out, I freaking flip out. Ask my poor husband. I will hide away under the covers and cry. It's sad. I'm sad. For me. I'm too old to still be fighting this battle! I'm OVER. IT. So, I've been preparing and have decided a few things.
First: I can't eat anything that isn't real. And even then, I have to be super careful. My body metabolizes healthy fats as just plain fat and doesn't care that it's better than crap fats. So, I truly do have to eat low fat despite the way my intellect rejects such a notion. Healthy fats help you LOSE weight, right? Sure. If you have a thyroid and one that functions normally.
Second: I MUST eat low-carb and zero crap carbs (which is where the added sugar comes in). As much as I can help it and control it, I eat whole grains and 1/2 a normal serving even then. However, if I have a little bit of pasta, some bread (which I hardly ever eat), or ANY TYPE of dessert that is made with regular crap white flour, I swell up, bloat, feel horrible, and I end up looking 6 months pregnant. It's awesome. My body clearly hates this stuff and is letting me know.
So, out with all of it because I need some peace of mind, and after so much prayer, I know God is leading me this direction in order to be set free (and think I'm crazy all you want, but when I quit freaking out every time I walk past a mirror, it will all be good).
Third (and last -- luckily for you), I'm focusing on running, weights, and power yoga this year. My body doesn't respond AT ALL to wussy workouts. I have zero results unless I work out a MINIMUM of 45 minutes per day combining interval training and weights. I want to run a half marathon next year, so I'm making a goal to run three 5 k's this year while training for the mini. Again, this is just something I have to do.
I need to be healthy -- mind and body. I need to be healthy -- spiritually. The three are so closely intertwined they function as a perfect trinity. So, I'm sure I'll fall off the wagon, but I'm in. And, honestly?? I'm not at all looking forward to it. So, lets just keep being real with one another, and maybe we will actually see some lasting results. I will keep attending my Weight Watchers meetings, and I will keep messing up, but at least I understand myself now better than I ever have. It's no longer a mystery -- I'm no longer a mystery . . . and keep that piece of freaking chocolate cake away from me, pretty please!