Isn't it funny how so many do nothing but run hard after fame? I am one of them! I found validation and much-needed attention because of my musical abilities, and the high was so good I wanted more and more and more. And it was never enough. It didn't matter how many concertos I memorized and received perfect scores on, how many music "milestones" I accomplished or surpassed, how many opportunities I had--it was never enough, and I still felt empty--obscure. I remember recently telling my husband, "I'm just tired. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to prove myself to one more critical musician." And that was that. I made some choices early on in life that caused a bit of a derailment, so I never got to fulfill that "ultimate" dream--just a 2nd best. It no longer brought joy, and I'm not sure it ever really did, just dread.
God is doing something different in me now. I don't like it so much, but I'm learning to live with it. I'm never going to be famous, if that was ever possible. That ship has sailed. I have a lot to say. MANY people have a lot to say. There's so much noise in this world, and I don't want to contribute to more noise. Sure, I dream of being published someday, but with an already over-saturated market, that dream may have to die. That's ok. Maybe no one will see anything I write. I don't write for others. I write for me. Because it heals and deals. It helps me deal with my junk because I can't keep it all bottled up, and as a result, it heals--slowly, but surely. Maybe someone else will find healing in something I share because they are going through the same. Maybe. Maybe not.
I enjoy knitting (when my hands aren't on the fritz), and I have found more enjoyment in gifting little items I have made with my own two hands than I ever found performing. I miss performing. I was good at it. I lived for it. But I was never good enough. I don't have to be good enough anymore. I can connect with people and with God in obscurity, and it is freeing. There's a beauty all it's own just being obscure. I cannot imagine having to get up in the morning every single day and performing all day long from the time my feet hit the ground. I get to be messy, crazy me. And it's ok! God will be working on me til Kingdom come (um, literally), and I am thinking I'm ok with that.
My dear friend and I were talking the other day about addiction. I have some of those, you see, and they are unkind bedfellows. You hate them, want them out of your life, and can't live with them--but as soon as you kick them to the curb, you miss them, just want to be wrapped up in their familiarity, and find yourself taking them back (even though you know you're going to repeat this whole cycle all over again). I have never been ok with me because of them, and I have wrongly assumed God couldn't possibly be ok with me due to them. But, guess what?? He's more than ok with me! He's wild about me! He's working on me, and I'm letting him (even though we sometimes don't agree with one another, wink, wink). I need a lot of fine-tuning, and I will never arrive. But I have found this new place that fits me. I can rest in his grace and love and strive to serve him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, and when I fall he is still right there helping me up, brushing off my knees, and setting me back on the right path--the one that leads to freedom.
I need to be obscure. I can't do performance any longer. But I have found so much beauty here in this place. I get to be me! It doesn't drive him crazy that I like to study until I cry or freak out, that I like to debate because I actually enjoy it, that I need some quiet time, that I get overwhelmed and super sad when my meds don't work out (stupid cancer) and my body gets out of whack, that I feel inadequate and a failure. He's ok with all of it. And if I shut up and block out all the noise, I hear his voice calling me to just rest a bit--to climb up into his not-so-obscure lap and just let it all go for a minute. HE is beauty. I am obscure. And there is Absolute Beauty in obscurity.